Effective communication is a game-changer, both in your personal and professional life. Whether you’re trying to avoid a family feud over an inappropriate comment that your uncle once again has made about your body image, or navigating day to day poisonous gossip that goes around your office.
That’s why I came up with a list of books that offered practical and detailed instructions about how to communicate effectively without having to murder over half of the population in the meantime.
But first, let me tell you the real reason why I started searching for books on this topic.
I need a new bra. It is as simple as that.
But no, it gets complicated.
Of course.
Because I want THE BRA, with very specific characteristics, good quality, and not from the overly commercial brands where they definitely sell bras, but not comfortable, with good quality, and beautiful designs.
So with that in mind, I thought to myself ‘which shop can I go to where they would know exactly what I’m looking for?’.
When I picked my choice, I went to the shop, where I thought they might be able to help me. I tried a few on, and after a while I asked the clerk to give me a bra with a back size X and a cup size Y.
If you are not a bra user, or never heard of these two different sizes in a bra, it’s okay. Every day is a school day.
The sales assistant was shocked by my question, she said ‘No, if we go up one size, everything gets bigger.’
That’s when my frustration level got up to the roof. Because, of all people, she should know.
So, I said ‘No, these two sizes are different. One person can have a bigger cup size and a smaller back size, and vice versa.’
And then, she insisted ‘No, if we go up a size, everything gets bigger.’
That’s when I knew.
That’s when I stopped.
She didn’t have a clue.
This was not surprising.
Once I went to a very commercial lingerie shop, whose name I always try to forget, and one of the clerks approached me, and immediately told me, with her magical skills, exactly what bra size I had, and went on to sell me something with that size.. Not to mention I had my big jumper on, my winter jacket on, and my hair down, so how could she know?
And, of course, she definitely had zero to none idea about bras.
But, the point is: It is clear that the other person can’t fulfill my expectations. It doesn’t matter if my expectations are realistic or not.
The point is, this person can’t.
So, instead of getting stuck in the ‘what should’ve been’, ‘what she should have known’, etc.
There’s a better way to solve this conflict.
And now, on to the books.
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
You know when you must have an important conversation that might potentially lead to an argument, and you’re so angry that you can’t stop crying while talking? This book will help handle conversations that matter the most, those high-stakes exchanges where tempers flare and egos clash. The authors offer practical tools to keep your cool and steer the conversation towards a productive outcome. Think of it as a survival guide for navigating verbal minefields.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Rosenberg’s approach to communication is great to use for tension situations that can lead either to passive aggressive or more violent confrontations. His philosophy is all about empathy and honest expression. It will help you find agreements and understandings, without needing to blame the other or selling your soul to the devil.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
Practical, practical, practical tips. This is what you want whenever you feel like killing your coworker or trying to eat your tongue while talking to one of your in laws.The authors break down why we avoid difficult conversations and provide a roadmap for tackling them head-on, and to stop your sneaky tendencies to avoid them.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie
Nevermind the horrible title, just read it in its kindle version if you don’t want people staring at you judgmentally while reading it on public transport. This is a classic, a must read. Carnegie offers timeless advice on connecting with people, winning their trust, and influencing their behavior. Humankind is the same, the essence of our social needs remains since before he wrote the book back in the 1930’s.
The Art of Communicating
by Thich Nhat Hanh
For those who want a zen approach to communication, the Buddhist monk teaches mindful listening and speaking, emphasizing the importance of compassion and presence in our interactions. It’s a gentle reminder to slow down and truly connect with others. Not so much for the hard conversations or aggressive confrontations, but for heart to heart social interactions.
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It
by Chris Voss
Chris Voss was an FBI negotiator, you don’t need more info! This book isn’t just for high-powered business deals; it’s for negotiating everything from a raise to where to order takeout with your partner on a saturday night. Voss’s insights will make you a master at getting what you want without burning bridges. One of my favourites.
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
by Deborah Tannen
If you think that this is too stereotypical, well, you might want to consider how important stereotypes are since the origin of humanity. Stereotypes work with statistics and being aware of how things work 80% of the time is better than being oblivious and thinking that this perspective denies human differentiation. Statistics work for your day to day lives, and specially for survival situations. Tannen delves into why men and women often seem to be speaking different languages and how to bridge that gap.
Start with No: The Negotiating Tools That the Pros Don’t Want You to Know
by Jim Camp
Jim Camp was the world’s “most feared negotiator”, who trained numerous Fortune 500 companies and military organizations. Instead of trying to get a “yes” at any cost, Camp teaches you how to control the negotiation by embracing the power of “no.” This approach ensures you don’t give away too much too soon and helps you maintain the upper hand, aka the control. I would need a million posts just to tackle all his useful techniques.
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
by Olivia Fox Cabane
I always say to all my clients: beware of charismatic people, for they can be very warm and funny, but they might be hiding their real motives. If they are bad or manipulative people, that is. If your motives are genuine and kind, please, go ahead and learn how to improve your charisma, for it will open many doors for you. The author breaks down the elements of charisma and shows how anyone can develop it. This book will help you become more influential and persuasive in any setting.
That’s my list, for the moment.
Reading about communication is great, but you can’t read your way through life: putting these strategies into practice is when the magic happens.
So, pick up one (or all) of these gems, and start reading, then acting.
Remember, it’s not just about what you say, but how you say it.
Love,
Noemi
P.S.: friendly reminder that these books may contain affiliate links. This means that if you choose to buy any of them, I’ll receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you.
