Feeling lost and not sure what to do with your life? Tried plenty of things but none of it makes any sense? This newsletter might just shake you out of the fog and set you on a path that actually makes sense. For a change.
What I’m going to talk to you about today is called: The First Step Out of the Abyss. Let’s get into it.
There is a moment, somewhere between numbness and despair, right at that point when you’ve already seen most of what Netflix has to offer, and you’re about to start Once Upon a Time, even though you’ve been told it’s absolute rubbish.
That moment is when you finally ask yourself: “What am I even doing with my life?”
Not out of casual boredom, but from the aching knowledge that you’ve been drifting for far too long. This feeling of drift isn’t just unfortunate, it’s inevitable if you don’t know where you’re going. Facts.
The absence of a clearly defined aim is one of the main reasons people stay stuck in misery. And the truth is brutal (sorry not sorry). Listen to this:
If you don’t decide where you’re going, the world won’t decide for you, it’ll drag you wherever the current flows.
The First Problem: You Don’t Know What You Want
People often don’t get what they want because they never actually figure out what it is.
They live in the wonderful world of Wendy, waiting for their imaginary Peter Pan. They live in fantasy. Or worse, they live in the not-so-wonderful hippie world of “just go with the flow”.
It’s as if we want vague things: happiness, success, love. But those aren’t destinations. They’re feelings. And feelings, by their nature, fluctuate.
So, what would it mean to aim at something real? Something worth your life?
At this point, as a bit of an exercise to finally snap out of it, I’m reminded of the much-hated and much-loved Dr Jordan Peterson — clinical psychologist and full-time mass scandaliser. That one.
He suggests imagining that you’re someone you genuinely care about. Not someone to manipulate or shame into change, but someone you want the best for.
On this point, I actually use a very similar exercise with my own patients. If that’s you, you probably know exactly what I mean. And it works.
While holding this person you truly care about in mind, ask yourself:
What kind of life would that person need to live in order to thrive? What would you advise them to pursue? And most importantly: why aren’t you offering yourself the same advice?
Aim, and the World Rearranges
Here is where the psychological engine starts. Once you formulate a goal that is meaningful enough, the world begins to reorganise itself around that aim. Not magically, but perceptually. You begin to see different things. Notice different opportunities. Your attention shifts. And since your brain is literally wired to filter reality according to relevance, what you choose to aim at becomes the lens through which life is interpreted.
No, not magic. That’s just how a human mind works.
Peterson refers to this as a “supercharging” of meaning. Every action in the present becomes infused with significance because it’s tied to the bigger thing you’re building. Even pain starts to look different, less like punishment, more like cost (This is the exact idea I talked about in the 4th of July newsletter — if you read it, you’ll know what I mean).
But this effect, this “supercharging” of meaning, only, ONLY happens if you’re deadly serious about the goal.
Again, stop with the “go with the flow” nonsense.
Dead Serious
I’m not talking about taking it seriously in terms of perfection or rigidity, careful now! But serious enough to say:
“This matters enough for me to change my life around it.”
You don’t get what you want just by wanting (sorry, manifesting gurus!). You get it by reorganising your habits, routines, thoughts and behaviours so they’re all pointed in the same direction. Like:
if you actually want something, you can have it, but only if you want it enough to make everything else secondary.
To sum up, your two new best friends: priorities and focus.
And this is where most people stop. Because sacrifice is real. You can’t have every possibility open.
If you want everything, you won’t have anything.
Choosing one thing means closing off a hundred others. And, this is one of the biggest problems in society today, and the hardest to grasp: the refusal to choose is worse. Because it leads to a slow, painful erosion of your agency. You become passive. Drifting.
Because if you don’t choose, life will choose for you. This is literal.
Not in some romantic, poetic way… you can forget about it!
I mean in the shape of drifting, stagnating, saying yes to things you don’t want just to fill the silence, starting careers you have no interest in, staying in horrible jobs that suck the life out of you, being in relationships that are loveless and avoidant, chasing other people’s dreams (are you a doctor from a family of doctors, perhaps?)…
Etc, etc, etc. You get my drift.
Avoiding the discomfort of choice doesn’t save you. It slowly eats away at your sense of direction. Your confidence. Your agency. You stop building. You stop moving. And eventually, you stop believing anything can change. And not because you failed, but because you never really started.
And at this point you’ll say, alright fine, but what the hell do I do?
Well…
In next week’s newsletter, I’ll share something that might just help you start to wake up and take action towards a life that feels more aligned with who you are and what you long for.
Until then, this is the book I’d start with: 12 Rules for Life by Dr Jordan Peterson. Just what you need — some guidance that helps you sort yourself out before life does it for you (because it will, if you don’t).
Love,
Noemi
P.S. Next week I’ll explain how to begin. In the meantime, start reading this.
