A few years ago, I had the pleasure of discovering Iyanla Vanzant through an Oprah Winfrey interview. She even had her own show as a coach, focusing on fixing relationships, family, couples, business partners and the like. Her interventions were brutal and to the point, just the way I like it.
One of her most memorable moments in her show ‘Fix my life’ was the scene ‘not on my watch!’. Brilliant.
But, now, in all seriousness. I will always remember, in that interview with Oprah, what Iyanla said about social relationships:
“You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there.”
Wow.
Which reminds me of another quote by my dear Maya Angelou.
If we walk down memory lane, do you remember when Oprah used to do interviews on a bed? Not so far off from Drew Barrymore’s couch interview style, but with more substance and less touchy.
In this bed interview, Maya was with her, and they shared this quote:
“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
Aha. Yes.
Which, again, reminds me of another quote, this time by my mentor, the psychologist Dr Nancy Alvarez (she doesn’t know she is my mentor, by the way!).
She said the quote in Spanish, but here’s an almost accurate translation:
‘It’s not the same to call the devil than to see him coming.’ (original: ‘No es lo mismo llamar al diablo que verlo llegar.’)
It stresses the difference between merely talking about something and actually experiencing it, especially when it comes to facing a challenging or undesirable situation. But she always referred to this quote when talking about meeting a person as they are.
If you meet a new person, and they show you how they are, mainly through their actions, their good or bad traits, their values. Believe it, and act accordingly.
If you meet a new person, and it is so blatantly obvious that they are a bad influence, have a negative moral compass, they are mean, selfish, self-centered, etc. Do not wait for the devil to come to you. Spot it, and move it, cross to the opposite street.
Don’t wait for the devil to come to you and show you, now for real, how bad they really are.
You have to hammer down this knowledge until it has become ingrained in your skin.
Difficult, but highly useful when meeting new people.
This is about DISCERNMENT. With capital letters.
Discernment is another great superpower. One that won’t make you teleport or fly, but it will make you stop wasting your time with people that hurt you.
Social relationships are complex because us humans are.
This is about the discernment to read people as they are. Identify it, and accept individuals for who they are and recognise their inherent limitations, dropping our own fantasies of how we would like them to be.
Sometimes, people tell or show you who they are. But we are prone to undervalue this information, thinking that ‘they are not that bad’ or maybe ‘they will change’ or worse ‘I will help them change’.
Love,
Noemi
