I was watching an Instagram story from a comedian the other day.
She was venting about a man she’d met on Raya. At some point, he stopped replying. Or maybe the conversation simply fizzled out. I can’t remember the exact details she gave.
I do remember her explanation.
In her version of events, she was simply “too much woman for him”. No, the problem wasn’t a lack of interest or anything like that.
Call it an occupational hazard, but that’s when my warning light started flashing. I’ve got a special radar that goes off whenever it picks up bullshit. The first red flag wasn’t the fact that he’d pulled away; it was her explanation.
I keep hearing versions of this from professionally successful women. When dating doesn’t work, they conclude that men are intimidated by their intelligence, ambition or career.
But the research doesn’t support that as the default explanation. Buckle up.
A Tinder field experiment based on 3,600 profile evaluations found no general aversion among men to highly educated women. Education isn’t exactly the same thing as professional success, of course, but the finding doesn’t support the idea that a woman’s achievements automatically scare men away.
A speed-dating study found that men responded more strongly to physical attractiveness and didn’t place extra value on a woman’s intelligence or ambition when those qualities exceeded their own.
It’s important to clarify something: men may admire a woman’s education, ambition or career, but those qualities aren’t necessarily what drives initial romantic attraction. This doesn’t mean men are put off by intelligent or ambitious women. It means that professional success isn’t, by itself, the primary attraction cue or the automatic threat this theory assumes.
Another very important point here is that, from a biological and evolutionary point of view, many men are motivated by the feeling that they can provide for, protect and care for the woman they’re with. Having a tangible way to do those things can make a man feel that he’s fulfilling an important part of his role in the relationship.
And this can help explain why a man might reject a woman. What may put a man off is the attitude she conveys when they interact. A woman can be highly educated, ambitious and professionally successful, and still be warm, receptive and open to being cared for. She can have her own career, money and life, and still welcome a man’s support. She can be perfectly capable of handling herself and still be open to leaning on him sometimes. None of that requires her to be weak or dependent.
If a woman communicates, “I don’t need anything from anyone; I can do everything myself,” he may feel that there’s no room for his care, support or protection to matter. He may feel that there’s nothing meaningful he can contribute. That can be off-putting. The issue is the message her attitude sends, not her success, education or income.
At the end of the day, we’re biological beings, and we operate according to established patterns. Once you understand that, the differences between men and women make more sense, and you stop complicating your life with conspiracy theories.
Research on dating has linked warmth, trustworthiness and responsiveness with attraction during face-to-face interactions. Other research suggests that allowing a potential partner to help can increase romantic interest. That doesn’t mean acting helpless, like a damsel in distress. It means leaving room for mutual support and showing that connection is wanted.
Of course, a particular insecure man may feel intimidated by a successful woman. That can happen. But the available evidence gives us no reason to treat that as the typical response among men, let alone use it to explain every rejection. The myth that successful women are routinely rejected because they’re “too much woman” simply doesn’t hold up.
Sorry to be a party pooper, but…
How about…
he simply wasn’t interested?
Or…
You didn’t click.
Those are perfectly normal things, and you can’t automatically put them down to the fact that you’re “too much woman for him”, can you?
And if that keeps happening, the useful question isn’t, “Why are men threatened by me?”
It’s:
Who am I choosing?
What am I overlooking?
How am I showing up?
What part of this pattern am I helping to maintain?
Those questions are less flattering than “I’m too much of a woman”. They’re also far more useful because they make you stop passing the buck when that isn’t justified and focus on the part you may be playing in making it happen, in other words, your personal responsibility, even if it’s only a small one in that particular situation.
If you keep finding yourself drawn to people who don’t choose you, a Psychological Consultation can help you look at the pattern properly.
In my private practice, I discuss the differences in how men and women behave with many of my patients, both men and women, because once you understand how we work, you stop getting caught up in conspiracy theories and things start working in your favour.
Love,
Noemi
P.S. Sometimes rejection is just rejection. And that sucks. If that’s your situation, we can talk about it here.
