the best way to stop caring what other people think of you

Listen.

I’m bringing you one of the most powerful lessons I’ve ever learned about how to stop caring what others think of you.

This matters if you feel like…

you’ve got imposter syndrome
your thoughts are constantly circling around what others might think if you do X or say Y
you keep comparing yourself to other people’s lives and achievements, which only makes you worry even more about your own

And a whole host of other behaviours that, in the end, only serve to damage your self-esteem further and, worse still, waste your time.

I first read this lesson—though I didn’t learn—more than ten years ago, when I stumbled upon it by chance.

Believe me, I didn’t learn it at the time. I was in my early twenties and life still felt far too big for me to grasp a lesson like this.

Too big to understand just how important it was, and too soon to be able to integrate it.

You’ll probably see what I mean once you know what I’m talking about.

This lesson is so profound it can be condensed into a single sentence. And that’s all it takes. One sentence is enough, for those who truly get it and take in what it really means.

This quote first appeared on 22 October 1934 in The Minneapolis Star, an American newspaper. It was part of an anonymous column titled “The Star’s Paragraphers”, a kind of space for witty phrases and observations with a touch of humour about everyday life.

Read this slowly. It went like this:
“At 20 we don’t care what the world thinks of us; at 30 we worry about what it thinks of us; at 40 we discover it doesn’t think of us.”

No author was credited at the time. Once again, what matters is the message, not the messenger.

This quote has become hugely popular on social media and elsewhere, and it’s often misattributed to Winston Churchill, but that’s false. He never said it.

And this insight is so valuable. We can even sharpen it a little more:

When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks.

When you’re 40, you stop caring.

When you’re 60, you realise no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.

I know it’s hard. I do.

We’re constantly alert to other people’s gaze.

What they might think, what they might see in us, what they might say, what they do, what they don’t do, what they might say again…

But if only you knew…

If only you knew what actually goes on inside the minds of the people around you…

Believe me…

If only you knew the truth, you wouldn’t be so worried, and you wouldn’t waste your time with “what other people think of you.”

You see, one of the peculiarities of my job as a therapist is that I get to look inside my patients’ heads.

And believe me when I say—and brace yourself for this—what each of us is really thinking about all the time is…

brace yourself, here it comes…

it is…

OURSELVES!!

That is to say, who?? You??

No one’s thinking about you.

Honestly, no one.

What a relief, right?

What a relief to realise that the constant sense of being under other people’s scrutiny is, in fact, just our own fixation and mental habit shaped by our insecurities, isn’t it?

Well, now that you know this masterful truth—which, if you take it seriously, could honestly change your life completely—now that you know this…

What are you going to do with it?

If you don’t believe me yet, you could always try a reality check.

And you’ll see, to your disappointment or your relief, that NO ONE, NO ONE, NO ONE is thinking about you the way you fear they are.

Perhaps 1–2% of the times you’ve felt hyper-visible, hyper-judged… maybe.

Sorry to say it, but the centre of the universe, for each of us, is ourselves. For better or worse.

So I’ll ask again, now with this key piece of information: what will you do?

What will you change?

What will you stop doing?

What will you start doing?

What, what, what?

Whatever it is, do it.

Because the truth is:

“When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks; when you’re 40, you stop caring; when you’re 60, you realise no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”

I mean, you could also wait until you’re 60 I suppose…

But I wouldn’t waste my life, my enthusiasm for living, thinking that everybody is out to get me.

You’re not stuck, let yourself be free.

And if you still need one more push to believe this is true, my bookclub recommendation today is the brilliant The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.