What I’m going to share with you today is something that happens all the time in our relationships.
With our friends, our partners, family or co-workers. Everybody.
That’s why I knew exactly where the story was going when I stumbled upon my neighbour.
I usually go around hiding from my neighbours, trying to avoid every possible encounter that might lead to a proper conversation, like we all do. But, with her, it’s a bit different.
I actually like her.
So when I saw her, I really wanted to hear what happened.
Her partner asked her to go with him to his friend’s get-together on Saturday, and she tried to decline and said she would rather not go.
The story continues like this.
The partner started rambling about the many things he did for her and how she was so ungrateful. He said if she loved him, she wouldn’t say no to that plan.
My neighbour. Let’s call her Mary. Mary got really scared because she doesn’t want him to think she doesn’t love him just because she doesn’t want to do certain things.
You see, there is this mistaken belief ingrained in our society.…
Who says that because somebody loves you, they will do everything you want whenever you want?
This is not love, this is slavery.
A person can deeply love you and still tell you, ‘no, this weekend I don’t fancy socialising, I’d rather stay home and not go out with your friends.’
She doesn’t love you less.
There are moments, of course, that mark a crucial point within a relationship, testing your love. For example, during the mourning of a loved one or a difficult change at work. But, clearly, it is not during a get-together with friends.
And now, you’ll say…
But, but…
What if the other person puts you in that position? For example, if your partner asks you to do something and then doubts your love if you refuse, how do you break that cycle?
First and foremost, you must know that what your partner is asking of you has nothing to do with love. If you give in to him in this situation, today it’s the friends’ get-together, but tomorrow it’ll be the holiday destination, and the next day that thing you have to do for your mother-in-law.
There’s always going to be something new.
Why?
Because he is putting how much you love him on the same level as whether you do or don’t do his whims or whatever he fancies at the moment. That’s not how you measure love. You can’t keep on asking the other person to always be willing to show and prove how much they love you.
Hold on a second.
Here’s a little warning for all those Insta/TikTok people who feel they’re special and think a certain relationship doesn’t ‘serve’ them anymore, so they are not willing to make any sacrifice for their ‘loved’ one.
This is always about balance. Let’s be clear about the concept.
It’s not that you don’t have to do anything for your loved one, it’s not that you don’t have to make certain reasonable sacrifices (because you will), or that you will never have to compromise.
This is not what I’m talking about here.
Mary’s partner was trying (manipulating her) to make her do X as proof of her love for him. And keeping track of how many things he’s done for her, so whenever she tries to decline the invitation/task, he’d be ready with a long list to show her that she owes him.
Mary’s example is not unique. How many times have you heard a couple say to each other, ‘if you loved me you’d do XYZ?’
Love is not that.
Love is also accepting that the other person can’t or won’t.
And lastly, this is not about the friends’ reunion. If the partner had said to her, ‘Well, listen, this might be silly, but I really need you to come with me because I would enjoy it more if you were there with me’ or ‘I would like you to come with me this time because I need your support in X,’ it would have been different.
It’s very likely you’ve seen yourself in a similar situation with another loved one, a partner, a friend…
Who knows.
And perhaps you struggle to manage the situation without hurting the other. There are always ways to stand your ground while caring for the relationship.
Love,
Noemi
