What I’m about to share with you will likely change the way you think about happiness and suffering, and it might just stay with you for days to come. It’s a thought-provoking take on what true happiness really means.
This is something we all wonder about, but rarely say out loud: can we really be happy while still feeling pain? Like, can joy and suffering actually go hand-in-hand?
Most of us are sold this idea that happiness and suffering are total opposites, that one cancels out the other. We’re led to believe that happiness is some final destination, a place you get to where all the bad stuff magically disappears.
But what if that’s not true? What if happiness and suffering are not opposing forces at all?
If you’ve been reading the previous newsletters, you might know that i’m reading La felicidad: más allá de la ilusión (Happiness: Beyond the Illusion) written by psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón.
In this book Rolón challenges this whole “happiness vs. suffering” myth, suggesting that real happiness doesn’t come from getting rid of suffering. Instead, it’s about learning to live alongside it.
He dives deep into this tricky relationship between happiness and suffering, pushing us to see that they’re not as separate as we’ve been taught.
Happiness isn’t some reward for a life without pain; it’s the result of facing life’s ups and downs head-on: joy, sadness, peace, struggle, all of it.
happiness full pack experience
We’re used to thinking of happiness as this perfect state, you know, no problems, no worries, just bliss.
So, it’s no surprise that people spend their lives avoiding anything that might mess with that.
But, but.
This “happily ever after” version of happiness?
Not realistic, and actually pretty damaging.
Real happiness isn’t this pure, unbreakable bubble of joy; it’s something way more complex that can coexist with sadness, worry, even grief. When we paint happiness as this all-positive state, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment, chasing a goal we’ll never reach. Never, period.
Life’s messy, and trying to make happiness this one-dimensional feeling strips it of its depth. True happiness doesn’t block out suffering; it learns to live with it. Instead of seeing happiness as something we get by winning over our struggles, maybe we need to see it as our ability to carry them with grace, understanding that our biggest joys often live right alongside our biggest sorrows.
Sorry to be a party pooper!
the paradox of suffering and joy
Joy and suffering can exist together in ways we might not expect.
Think about grieving someone you loved. There’s this deep sadness, this hole they left behind. And yet, in those memories, there’s a kind of warmth, a gratitude for having known them.
It’s a weird mix of sorrow and joy, but it’s there.
Are we “happy” in that moment? Not exactly. But does it mean there’s no joy at all? Definitely not.
Rolón’s take is that our painful moments don’t push joy away; they actually make room for it.
Just like shadows add depth to a picture, our struggles can make our moments of happiness mean more.
Suffering isn’t a wall blocking happiness; it’s part of what makes it real. When we accept this paradox, we’re opening up to a fuller, more genuine experience of life.
living fully by embracing both sides
Another big thing Rolón says in his book is that to really live, we have to accept the whole range of emotions, the highs, the lows, everything in between.
Running from suffering doesn’t make us happier; it shrinks our experience of life, and with it, our capacity for joy.
True happiness involves realising that suffering is going to find us no matter what. But by accepting it, we’re actually making space for a kind of happiness that’s richer and more resilient.
When we embrace both joy and suffering, we create a sense of balance inside.
Life stops being about reaching some fake state of endless happiness and becomes about navigating whatever comes our way with resilience and grace.
Remember: happiness isn’t a prize we get for dodging pain. It’s a strength we build up by facing life’s challenges, knowing that our joy and our pain are both parts of who we are.
finding freedom in acceptance
Thinking that happiness and suffering can coexist is actually pretty freeing. It takes away that constant pressure to feel good all the time, to avoid anything or anyone that might bring us down.
We live in that era, right? Constantly portraying our good bits, selectively curated for an imaginary audience. Drop or limit your social media exposure, thank me later.
When we accept suffering as part of life, we’re no longer obsessed with controlling everything, twisting circumstances just to feel happy, or numbing any feelings by engaging in ___ (fill in the blank with your favourite numbing activity: casual sex, Netflix, scrolling, drinking, eating, etc. You name it!). Instead, we start to flow with life’s natural rhythm, taking the good and the bad as they come.
I want to ask you: what if happiness isn’t about dodging pain, but about learning to live with it?
This kind of happiness doesn’t depend on avoiding challenges or making everything perfect. It’s rooted in accepting ourselves, in building resilience, in knowing we can hold both joy and pain without having to pick one over the other.
As Gabriel Rolón puts it:
“Life isn’t only joy or sorrow; it’s both. And it’s in accepting this duality that we find true peace.”
This mindset lets us experience life honestly and deeply, without pretending we’re supposed to always feel a certain way.
And if you’re at a moment where you’re mainly experiencing suffering, grief, or sorrow, I want to remind you: this too shall pass. No single emotion lasts forever.
So, what about you?
Are you ready to ditch the idea that happiness means never suffering?
Are you open to the thought that true happiness includes all of life’s messy moments, the painful and the joyful ones?
If you’re willing to try this more balanced view of happiness, think about times in your life when joy and sorrow existed together. Reflect on how those moments have shaped you, and consider how accepting both sides could bring a deeper sense of peace to your life. Happiness and suffering don’t have to be rivals. Sometimes, they’re just two sides of the same coin.
And like Rolón says:
“To live without suffering is not to live at all.“
Suffering is an intrinsic part of the human experience and, far from being an obstacle, it can deepen our understanding of happiness.
Wherever you are, however you are, I’m sending you a big hug.
Love,
Noemi
