In the last email, we had a bit of a cry together about why desire, passion… eventually burns out in long-term relationships.
Right.
Wipe those tears away because, in this email, we’re going to look at some old-school tricks to help solve this problem.
Not that you and your partner have this issue…
God forbid I should suggest such a thing…
But who knows, maybe a friend (wink, wink) could use a little help.
In that case, forward them this email or tuck it away in the depths of your heart for when it comes in handy.
If you think back to the last email, we looked at a few ways to give desire a bit of a shake within a relationship. We covered, albeit briefly, these options. Remember?
- Create a sense of mystery. Not sharing absolutely everything with your partner can help.
- Rediscover the game. Seduction shouldn’t die after the first few months.
- Give each other space. A little distance is sometimes necessary for desire to reignite.
- Break the routine. Repetition is the number one enemy of eroticism.
And I also told you that this all sounds very cliché, maybe even a bit vague, and doesn’t really explain much.
If you were paying close attention, you might be thinking… alright, great, but how do you actually do it?
Which brings us to today’s newsletter. We’re going to break it down step by step, with examples that make it all a bit easier to digest.
Buckle up.
create a sense of mystery
One of the greatest enemies of desire is predictability. At the start of a relationship, seduction is a game of unveiling and discovery. You don’t know everything about the other person, and that very lack of knowledge fuels, well, you know what.
But over time, routine takes over, and mystery fades. The problem is that we often confuse intimacy with complete transparency. We believe that loving someone means knowing every detail about their thoughts, habits, loo schedule, past diabolical exes, and everything in between.
While emotional closeness is essential for love, too much familiarity can be lethal to desire.
Keeping the flame alive requires maintaining a certain level of intrigue. This doesn’t mean playing games or being secretive in an unhealthy way. This is not Love Island. I REPEAT: this is not Love Island!
Rather, it’s about preserving aspects of yourself that remain yours alone—your interests, personal projects, friendships, even the way you present yourself to your partner.
Small moments of absence, whether physical or emotional, create space for longing.
As paradoxical as it may seem, sometimes distance fuels desire. The more we try to merge completely with our partner, the less space there is for erotic tension.
seduction shouldn’t die after the first few months
At the beginning of a relationship, seduction is effortless.
It’s like a dance.
We instinctively bring out our best selves (or our pretend selves…), showing charm, wit, and attentiveness.
We make plans, we dress up, we flirt, we fuck.
But.
But.
But.
As time passes, we start taking these things for granted. Mistake numero uno.
We can all picture that classic couple who, after years of marriage, lost their playful dynamic. Initially, their physical connection had been intense, but as they grew comfortable with each other, sex became a routine rather than an exciting experience.
The problem?
They stopped seducing each other.
Seduction isn’t just something you do to attract someone at the start, it’s an ongoing process.
AKA something you have to do all the time.
All the time?
Yes, all the time.
Let’s be precise.
Seduction can mean playfulness, teasing… it can look like this:
- Flirting as if you were still in the early stages of dating
- Introducing spontaneity, sending unexpected messages (where are those nudes!!), planning surprise dates…
- Paying attention to physical touch outside the bedroom, simple gestures like a lingering touch or an unexpected whisper
It’s not about pretending to be someone you’re not, but about remembering that desire thrives on excitement and anticipation.
And about conscious effort. Work. You have to do things on purpose, you understand??
give each other space
One of the paradoxes of love and desire is that what strengthens love can sometimes weaken attraction.
Love seeks closeness, security, and comfort.
Desire, on the other hand, needs a degree of separation to stay alive.
Another example of how a couple might experience this problem: let’s say your wife or husband is everything you ever wanted in a partner, supportive, loving, reliable. Yet, over the years, you find yourself less attracted to them.
What changed?
The answer lies in the loss of tension between you.
When we spend every moment with someone, knowing exactly where they are and what they’re doing, there’s no room for longing.
Absence, even in small doses, is necessary to fuel desire.
This doesn’t mean avoiding each other or leading separate lives, but rather:
- Allowing room for personal growth and independence
- Spending time apart occasionally to create anticipation for reunion, for example, going on a solo holiday or a trip with friends
- Engaging in separate hobbies and experiences that bring fresh energy into the relationship, like having your own group of friends or activities that don’t involve your partner
I know it might sound trivial, but sometimes, simply missing someone can remind you of what it feels like to crave them.
Just try it.
repetition is the number one enemy of eroticism
Routine is comfortable. It makes life easier. Your daily schedule, your meal plan, picking up the kids from school, blah blah blah.
But it’s also the silent killer of passion.
There’s a beautiful story in Encounters: The B-Side of Love (Encuentros: El Lado B del Amor) by psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón, where he talks about a man who, after 30 years of marriage, still felt deeply attracted to his wife.
His secret?
They never stopped exploring new things together.
They changed the way they approached intimacy, experimented with different settings, and never assumed desire would simply take care of itself.
Again, it takes conscious effort. On purpose. Do the thing. Set it up.
It won’t happen by magic. And if you think keeping desire alive in a relationship doesn’t require effort, darling, you’re delusional.
Anyway.
To avoid falling into autopilot mode, it’s important to introduce variety, not just in the bedroom, but in life in general. Though if you do want to explore new forms of sexuality together, be my guest, my guest!
Some ideas include:
- Trying new activities together (travel, classes, adventures)
- Changing up the environment (a weekend away can do wonders)
- Exploring different forms of intimacy (physical touch, verbal seduction, role-playing)
As Gabriel Rolón reminds us in his book, eroticism is not automatic, it requires effort, creativity, and a willingness to break patterns.
To sum up.
Sustaining desire in a long-term relationship is one of the greatest challenges couples face. It is what it is.
The problem is that many assume passion is something that happens to us, when in reality, it’s something we create. Please, do not be delusional. There’s a reason all romantic films end after the first kiss. Fiction never explains what happens after I do.
I’ll tell you what happens—if you’re willing to make it to the end. Work. Work, that’s what happens.
By maintaining a sense of mystery, continuing to seduce, allowing space, and breaking routine, we can keep both love and desire alive. The key is understanding that they don’t always follow the same rules. Sometimes, a little distance, a little effort, and a little unpredictability are exactly what we need to reignite the flame.
Love,
Noemi
P.S.: If Gabriel Rolón’s book has caught your attention, you can find it here: Encuentros (El Lado B del Amor) (only in Spanish for now).
P.S.: To read the first part of this article, go here.
