how to keep the spark alive in your relationship (part 1)

The eternal question: how do you keep desire alive in a long-term relationship?

Love and desire don’t always go hand in hand. In fact, sometimes they seem like sworn enemies.

Have you ever been in a long-term relationship where you love your partner deeply, yet desire seems to vanish as if commitment has suffocated it?

Why does this happen? Is it possible to love without desire? Or desire without love?

In this email, I’m going to tell you about a problem a couple faced when they failed to nurture desire in their relationship over time. A common mistake, by the way, and one that might be happening to you right now.

But first, let me give you some context.

Psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón, in his book Encounters: The B-Side of Love (Encuentros: El Lado B del Amor) says something devastating:

“Desire always shifts from one object to another, it never stops moving and there is no way to satisfy it once and for all.”

In other words, desire is doomed to dissatisfaction.

Just when you think you’ve captured it, it’s already looking elsewhere. That’s exactly how it works.

Love, on the other hand, seeks permanence and stability. It thrives on trust and companionship.

Desire, however, is a little rebel, craving novelty and uncertainty.

And here’s the thing, when everything in a long-term relationship has been said and done and routine takes over, what is left to fuel desire?

Let me tell you a little story about the dilemma between love and desire.

Mariano, one of Rolón’s patients, had a problem that sounds all too familiar. He was deeply in love with his wife, Deborah, whom he described as “the most wonderful being on Earth, an incredible mother, the best companion.”

Yet, at the same time, he had a lover, Valentina, whom he described in entirely different terms: “a beast in bed,” “irresistible,” “wild.”

Here, we see a brutally real dynamic, one we don’t always notice. Love idealises, while desire disrupts.

Deborah was perfect love, but unattainable for desire.

Valentina was the embodiment of desire, but she could never be loved.

So, is it possible to sustain both love and desire in the same relationship?

And the million-dollar question: why does desire fade in long-term relationships?

There are many reasons, but we can summarise them into two key ones:

Desire needs distance. At the beginning of a relationship, there is mystery. You know how it is… a lot of mystery that needs a lot of discovery. And you don’t know everything about the other person. But after years together, that space disappears. You share the bathroom (ugh), worries, bills, perhaps the stress of raising children (one of the biggest challenges in a relationship). And when everything is within reach, desire loses its fuel. Sad, but true.
Idealisation clashes with reality. At first, you see your partner as almost mystical, magical. But over time, you see them yawning in the same old pyjamas, farting in their sleep, leaving a mess around the house or constantly forgetting that very important thing. And what does desire do? It vanishes. Horrible, but true.

So, basically, the challenge is sustaining both worlds.

Some couples manage to keep the spark alive. But it’s no coincidence, it requires conscious effort (we talked about this in previous newsletters!!).

Gabriel Rolón, in his book, mentions a patient who, after 30 years of marriage, still felt sexually attracted to his wife. Wooooooow.

How did he do it?

We want the secret recipe!!!

Yeah, I know.

To sum it up, they both understood that love and desire don’t feed on the same things.

He could idealise his wife one moment and see her in an erotic light the next. But she refused to be sexually objectified, which complicated things. When he tried to take her passionately, she asked for tender caresses and loving words first. And at that moment, he lost his erotic drive.

You see, it’s not that simple.

Why? Because desire and tenderness, at times, are like oil and water.

But, but.

I know. Okay, let’s not freak out.

Can you love without desire?

Yes, absolutely. In fact, many couples live like this.

They maintain a strong bond but without passion. And for some people, that’s enough.

But for others, the absence of desire is a black hole that eventually swallows them up.

The important thing is to understand that desire is not spontaneous in a long-term relationship.

It has to be built, provoked. AKA you have to work for it.

As Rolón says, “Fidelity is not a natural act but the result of a decision that is generally sustained with great effort.”

The same applies to desire. You have to work for it. It won’t happen naturally.

And, and!

Can you desire without love?

Of course.

In fact, sometimes desire only appears when love is absent.

An extreme example can be seen in the film Bleu by Krzysztof Kieslowski. In one scene, the protagonist calls a man who has always loved her and says:

— Do you love me?

— Yes.

— Alright, if you want to have me, come now.

He rushes through the rain, desperate for her. But the next morning, after everything is over, she dresses and says: “I’m just like any other woman. I have cavities, I cough, you’ll forget me, don’t worry…”

Here, it’s very clear. Desire is immediate, fleeting. It doesn’t build, it doesn’t plan. It just burns.

Another burning question: how do you balance love and desire?

The problem in many relationships is that we believe love alone is enough to sustain desire.

Sorry to burst your little bubble, but, as I mention about three million times a day, love alone won’t make your relationship work.

Desire is a fire that needs to be constantly stoked, cared for, spoiled, attended to.

But how, how, hoooowwwwwwwww.

Okay, let’s look at some ideas you could use to keep the spark alive in your relationship:

Create a sense of mystery. Not sharing absolutely everything with your partner can help.
Rediscover the game. Seduction shouldn’t die after the first few months.
Give each other space. A little distance is sometimes necessary for desire to reignite.
Break the routine. Repetition is the number one enemy of eroticism.

Omg, but these key points are so simple. What does it even mean to ‘create a sense of mystery’ or ‘rediscover the game’?

I know, don’t worry! That’s why I’m going to break these points down more extensively in next week’s newsletter. You know, every Friday at 9AM (GMT+1).

You see…

At the end of the day, each couple has its own formula.

The important thing is to understand that love and desire are not the same. And if we want to keep both alive, we have to work at it.

Not to be a party pooper, but… “No one can guarantee eternal love”

And certainly not eternal desire.

And that is the real challenge.

Don’t forget, next week I’ll be covering strategic tips you can use to keep the spark alive in your relationship (or to prepare for your next one, if you don’t have one at the moment).

I hope this helped.

Love,

Noemi

P.S.: If Gabriel Rolón’s book has caught your attention, you can find it here: Encuentros (El Lado B del Amor) (only in Spanish for now).