In this email, we’re going to explore how some of the choices we make, especially the ones we believe are supposed to bring us happiness, might be the very things draining it. And more importantly, why learning to choose differently might be the closest we get to something real.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever made a decision, big or small, that felt right in the moment but started to itch like a wool jumper three days later?
No, not the ones you buy in lovely Scotland, but the ones you get from Temu.
Yeah, itchy.
So, regarding these types of decisions, that itch is more than just discomfort, it’s a warning signal.
A flashing red light screaming, or maybe a little purr that whispers, “this is not built to last.”
I’m going to talk about unsustainable decisions. The kind we make when we’re trying too hard to be happy, or worse, trying to look happy (ha!).
Because here’s the uncomfortable truth nobody wants to talk about:
“Nobody can be happy living with decisions they can’t sustain.”
(This is a quote I hold dear, from Gabriel Rolón, a psychoanalyst I truly like.)
Let me put you into context. Do you know those motivational mantras that are all over the internet? Like:
“You can have it all.”
“Go big or go home.”
“Hustle hard.”
“Dream it. Do it.”
“Never settle.”
“Be your best self.”
“Chase your dreams.”
“Live your truth.”
“No limits.”
“Just say yes.”
“Push through the pain.”
“Make it happen.”
“The grind never stops.”
“Level up.”
“Say yes to everything.”
“Work hard, play hard.”
“Failure is not an option.”
“Your only limit is you.”
“Keep moving forward.”
“Own your future.”
“Decide. Commit. Succeed.”
That last one sounds almost like Alex Hormozi breathing down your neck to keep hustling, hustling, hustling.
I’m sure you’ve heard them all at some point or another. They sound empowering, right?
But let me ruin it for you a bit: those quotes have wrecked lives.
(Always a party-pooper, never not a party-pooper.)
The thing is, we often confuse desire with clarity. We make decisions based on a high, on a euphoria that feels like happiness but isn’t.
Euphoria is an excess. And what does excess do? It wounds. It poisons. Euphoria is not joy. And it’s definitely not peace.
We rush into marriages we can’t hold, jobs we can’t stand, ideals we can’t keep up with. Sounds familiar?
But why?
Because we think choosing something automatically makes it right.
But what happens when that choice demands more than we have to give?
We burn out.
We shut down.
We sabotage ourselves.
Let’s take a classic example, success.
That shiny, Instagrammable, trophy-on-a-shelf kind of success.
People climb mountains of ambition, cutting ties with love, friendships, even sleep, only to get to the top and find… nothing.
Or worse, they find themselves staring into an empty room with a medal and no one to share it with.
That kind of decision, my dear friend, is unsustainable. Because success, when chased obsessively, turns into a cage.
And here’s the thing, that cage is self-built.
Decision by decision.
Nail by nail.
This reminds me of something else.
Ever feel emotionally overdrawn? Like your soul’s been handing out cheques it can’t cash? That’s what happens when your decisions don’t match your truth, when you say “yes” to something that deep down is a “no.”
At the end of the day, it’s too expensive… to live a life you can’t emotionally afford.
What do I mean?
I mean:
Don’t marry someone you can’t forgive.
Don’t fight battles that’ll leave you empty, even if you’re “right.”
Because sometimes, peace is more valuable than victory.
This isn’t about fear of commitment, it’s about fear of false commitment.
You see, we’re not infinite. We’ve got limits. And no matter how many TED talks say otherwise, we can’t go for everything.
Honestly? It’s a trap.
Those quotes I mentioned before are slogans for burnout.
Because “all” isn’t real. We are incomplete beings, always lacking something, always desiring. And, behold yourself, it’s that very lack that keeps us alive, curious, and searching (thank god).
And maybe, if you’ve read this far, you’ll wonder, why on earth do we keep doing this to ourselves?
Now, this is where it gets juicy.
Why would someone make a decision they know they can’t hold up in the long run?
Gabriel Rolón, in his book La felicidad: más allá de la ilusión, explains this theory (drumroll):
We idealise the future.
We fall in love with the fantasy of how things could be.
We get high on hope, drunk on desire.
We ignore the limits of our bodies, our minds, our emotional bandwidth.
In short, we lie to ourselves, as we do.
We believe we’re choosing happiness, when really, we’re choosing a role to perform. A version of ourselves that looks great from the outside but dies a little inside every day.
And it’s not always grand, dramatic stuff. Sometimes it’s agreeing to the fifth work project when we already sleep with one eye open. Sometimes it’s saying “yes” to a family lunch we know will end in old wounds getting poked. Sometimes it’s staying, or leaving, or waiting, or rushing.
But the mechanism is the same, decision → dissonance → despair.
So, you’ll wonder, what’s the alternative? Should we avoid decisions altogether? Should we sit in a corner chewing our nails, paralysed by fear of choosing the wrong thing?
Nope.
Here’s a compass, make decisions you can emotionally inhabit.
Make choices that won’t require you to betray yourself daily.
Think less about the fantasy and more about the fatigue.
Less about the photo and more about the fallout.
Ask yourself, can I live with this? Not just today, while I’m pumped on adrenaline, all high, euphoric, ecstatic.
But next week?
Next year?
It’s not about finding a perfect choice or decision. Spoiler, spoiler, those don’t exist.
It’s about finding a sustainable one, a livable one, one that lets you sleep at night without rehearsing regrets in your head like a greatest-hits playlist.
Got it? Got it.
And, very important. Here’s another truth bomb from Gabriel Rolón’s book: you will never be complete.
I talked about this before. Sorry. You just won’t.
That sense of wholeness you’re chasing? Mirage.
The trick isn’t in arriving, it’s in accepting the lack, the imperfection of life, and choosing anyway.
Because we’ll always be choosing with a piece missing. That’s the human condition. And no decision, no person, no life event will fill that space completely.
Got it? Got it.
And yet, yes, we can still be happy.
How?
By choosing what we can carry. What we can hold. What we can sustain.
Even if it’s imperfect. Especially if it is.
Sit down for a second, will you.
Take a minute. Or five.
Look at your life, your job, your relationship, your goals. Are you living inside a decision that’s slowly hollowing you out? Are you faking a joy that your soul can’t sustain?
If yes, it’s okay. We’ve all done it.
Believe me. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.
But maybe it’s time to put a stop to it.
You don’t have to make a dramatic change today. You just have to get honest. Brutally honest.
Because no one can hand you happiness.
But you? You can stop sabotaging it.
So go on. Make the sustainable choice. Even if it’s small. Especially if it is.
Love,
Noemi
P.S.: If Gabriel Rolón’s book has caught your attention, you can find it here.
