In the last few days, I’ve come across a lot of situations where people are leaving behind things that no longer serve them in the present. People, jobs, situations, projects. Things they’ve outgrown.
Maybe this hasn’t happened to you recently, but it has happened at another point in your life, or it’s something you’ll experience in the future. But you will experience it, of that I’m sure, if you don’t stick to the life script others have provided for you.
And fear not. This whole process happens naturally.
It’s not that you wake up one day and suddenly decide the projects you were working on no longer belong to you, or that you no longer feel identified with them.
It’s not that you wake up one day and suddenly feel that certain relationships in your life, partners, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family, whoever, no longer feel connected to, like there’s a gap.
And this is what happens when that lonely chapter begins, as entrepreneur Alex Hormozi puts it so well.
He talks many times about a phenomenon he calls “The Lonely Chapter”, that stage, that point in your life when you no longer connect in the same way with your own friends, or with the people you used to spend time with. You’re in a stage where you feel disconnected from the people you used to feel so close to in the past.
Feeling like this is normal.
This is what happens when your evolution as a human being has moved ahead sooner, matured sooner, or maybe your goals are different from the goals of those people you’ve been around, people who’ve been with you your whole life.
Your perspective has changed. You’re seeing things through a different lens now. And that’s very likely because of the life experiences you’ve been through. They didn’t leave you untouched. They’ve changed you. You’re not the same person you were five or ten years ago.
Maybe your goals have shifted, and now you’re deeply focused on personal or professional projects that take up a big part of your attention, dedication, or interest. And then it happens: you don’t stick to the same life script for that group of people who’ve been with you for a long period of your life.
And then you start to feel uncomfortable. You start to feel that you don’t share the same things. Your current worries aren’t the same as what worries them. You start to feel you’ve got less and less in common, and the things that used to bind you together are fewer and fewer.
And careful, I’m not saying relationships have to be purely utilitarian, or productive, or serve some specific purpose. I’m talking about a natural shift that happens as life moves forward, as you grow up, as you mature, and life doesn’t just wash over you without consequence.
You live life, and that inevitably changes you.
So what happens with those relationships you no longer connect with?
This is exactly what Alex Hormozi is talking about, and maybe he frames it more from the perspective of professional projects, but it can also be something personal. For example, if you want to be a mother or a father and the rest of your peer group doesn’t, or they’re not at that point yet, and it’s that difference that slowly creates distance.
Then Hormozi goes on and says that a kind of chapter of loneliness appears, in the sense that you no longer connect with your lifelong group, but you’re not yet in a position to meet the people you will connect with in this new stage. Either because you don’t know them yet, or because you’re not yet in the contexts that would make it likely to meet people more similar to you.
And I’m sure you’ve found yourself in a similar situation.
Because it happens to everyone.
And deep down it’s a good sign.
The sign that you no longer connect with your childhood or college friends is a sign that you’re growing, because the strange, abnormal thing would be if you were still as close as ever with all your friends from primary school.
Because that would mean, well, that you’re stuck in the same place. Mentally speaking.
And then the spiral opens up: you’ll say, “Right, and now what do I do with this?”
I know, it’s a really unpleasant experience, and unless those old friends have treated you badly, in which case the obvious thing would be to cut ties with them and move on with your life. But that usually isn’t the case. In most cases, they’re alright, but you have that feeling, and that feeling comes with a whole lot of guilt and not knowing what to do.
I always choose the middle path.
I’m not in favour of extremes unless they’re justified. Let me tell you what I mean.
In a lot of corners of the internet, people tell you, “Well, if it doesn’t serve you, let it go.” And sometimes it isn’t that simple. That’s one extreme, and I support that extreme if it’s about people genuinely harming you. But if it’s more neutral, there might be a middle way you can take, without abandoning those people, but without pretending you don’t feel different from them.
The truth is, the decision you make can take several forms, and it’ll be completely personal. You’ll have to make the decision, and you’ll have to decide what path, what choice, is best for you.
And that opens up several options:
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The first is to carry on as you are, keep growing and stay centred on your path, but keep those friendships. I’ve seen this in plenty of cases, even in patients who’ve done it. Not without discomfort, but it’s a path that exists. But it has a consequence (a bad one, for you).
Then there’s the opposite, which is to pull away completely from those people because you understand you no longer connect with them, or you don’t want the same things they want, and you simply cut them off. Taking this route, burning bridges as you cross them, isn’t an option I’d recommend.
Then there’s the middle path, the happy but very hard to sustain middle path, where, more or less naturally, you keep those friendships you have a long history with, but you have to reframe the relationship to what it is now and what it can give you now, based on where each of you is, both you and them.
And that will mean making adjustments, setting boundaries, understanding what you can and can’t do from now on with this person. Understanding what you can and can’t share, whether that’s confessions, experiences, life events. This will be a work in progress, because it’s something you’ll have to keep deciding as you go.
And that’s fine, because that’s life. That’s adult life. Making decisions constantly and acting with responsibility. Only like that, only through responsibility, will you manage to live in freedom and in a way that’s coherent with who you are and what you want from this life.
The loneliness isn’t proof you made the wrong call. It’s often proof you’ve stopped trading your life for belonging. So here’s the real question for this week:
What’s one thing you know you’ve outgrown, but you’re still feeding with your time, your access, or your explanations?
If you’re not sure, a good way to find out is to do a review of where your life is right now: what’s working, what isn’t, what makes you happy, what drains your energy. A good place to start is the ‘Annual Review’ resource.
It won’t change your life, but it’ll give you the clarity you need to keep moving forward. You can find it here. And it’s free for subscribers, AKA you.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Noemi
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