I’m going to tell you a story, and when you read it, you’ll see how important self-esteem is for everything. Here, I’m giving you the example of a crush, but let’s not limit ourselves; that’s just an example. The influence of self-esteem applies to ALL areas of your life.
I’ll also tell you another story, a shorter one, about how poor self-esteem can lead to (not justify) being treated badly at work.
Look, for some time now, self-esteem has become almost an obsession for me. After so much observation, there was no other way. There are countless examples of people – both former patients of mine and people I’ve met throughout life, as well as more or less well-known public figures.
If you take a moment to look, the evidence is there.
The evidence shows that:
- The way you navigate the world
- The way you pursue your goals
- The way you relate to others
- The way you relate to yourself (the most important relationship that exists)
All of that, and more, depends on how you feel about yourself.
When you turn off the lights,
When you arrive home after a day full of obligations,
When there’s no one around to talk to you,
When, even for a moment, you stop that distraction called (insert here ___) (be it social media, series, or whatever), which disconnects you from yourself, and you enter into silence, how do you feel about yourself?
Are you comfortable in your own skin? Are you satisfied with the life you’re living? Do the life decisions you’ve made so far bring you comfort?
Or do you wish something were different?
Now, if you don’t have a problem with self-esteem, well, stop reading here. Carry on with your life. Everything’s fine. And, honestly, I’m very glad. But this isn’t for you.
I’ll continue.
Some time ago, a few years back now that I think about it, I was in Barcelona. I was attending some seminars on Psychoanalysis.
I would take the train and spend the day there.
I always had over an hour to kill before it was time to catch the train back home, so I would stop at a bar to eat something before getting on the train. It was a bar that had previously been a quiet neighbourhood tavern, with little clientele. But, over time, that part of the city had filled up with businesses, so all the bars on those streets had gradually become the favourite spots for “happy hour”.
Every Thursday, I would be there. I would sit at the back of the bar, tucked away at a corner table. Peaceful, minding my own business, without anyone bothering me, and with a view of everything happening in the bar. As I went there every week, the owner got to know me, and he always brought me the same thing: a turkey sandwich.
Wild, huh?
And while I happily ate my turkey sandwich with a soda with lemon, I would observe the people who passed through the bar.
That’s how I came to know this girl.
A magical, magnetic girl, who at first glance seemed to have everything against her, but within her, everything was in her favour. And that’s the most important thing.
As the weeks went by, I saw groups of people coming in for happy hour. You know, people from the tech sector, finance, etc. People who worked for big firms and multinationals. So, they were all well-dressed—the men in suits, the women in high heels. All very put-together. Meanwhile, there I was, in the back, eating a sandwich, exhausted after a day full of psychology seminars.
After a while, I started to recognise the same groups of people frequenting the bar. There was a group of men who would always stand on one side of the bar. They were always the same. Very well-dressed. And there was one guy in particular who stood out above the rest. He was the leader of the group. Everyone flocked around him. And, on top of that, he was gorgeous. Believe me.
On the other side of the bar, another group would gather. This time it was women. They were all super well-dressed, as if they were going to a wedding. Impeccably made up, wearing very beautiful satin dresses and high heels.
There was one girl in this group who didn’t stand out much. She wasn’t ugly, but she wasn’t a beauty either – just a very normal girl. Both in her appearance and her attire. She was there in the group, just like anyone else. Or so it seemed.
But one day, out of the blue, this girl got up from her chair and walked over to that guy. Yes, the one I mentioned earlier – the handsome one, the leader of the group. That ordinary girl, who didn’t particularly stand out in either appearance or attitude, got up and approached him.
And there I was, sandwich halfway to my mouth, paying full attention to this completely unexpected move.
The guy turned around, looked at her, and she said: “Today is your lucky day. I’ll let you buy me a drink.”
Wow. Inside, I was screaming. I was like, what????
And the best part is, the guy smiled and said yes.
Could you imagine?
This act left me speechless. And to bring a smile to your face, I’ll tell you how, years later, I returned to the same bar, with the same owner, and found out that they became a couple, got married, and now have two small children.
Wow, huh?
Did you see that? Did you get where I’m coming from?
No matter what. No matter how.
The way you move through the world, the way you make decisions, depends on how you feel about yourself inside.
Pay attention.
A girl who, apparently, didn’t stand out, looked very normal, etc., went up to flirt with the guy who stood out in every way.
How do you think this girl feels inside to have made that decision?
Aha. Exactly.
And the best part, something I found hilarious, is that what she says to him is, “Today is your lucky day. I’ll let you buy me a drink.”
As in, I’m letting you, I’m giving you the honour of doing this.
Wow. Yes.
How do you think she feels inside to deliver her pick-up line like that?
She does it from the feeling of someone who believes they deserve to go after what they want.
If she had felt inside that she wasn’t worth anything, that she wasn’t very pretty, that the guy was out of her league, etc., etc., I can assure you that she wouldn’t have even gotten up from her chair. I can assure you that if she had at least been brave enough to approach him, she would never have used that pick-up line.
Let’s clarify (disclaimer, disclaimer!)
It’s also possible that he could have said no, and that he wasn’t interested. But because she felt the way she did inside, with no doubt about her own value, nothing would have happened. She would have moved on without any drama.
I’m not saying success is guaranteed. What I’m saying is that one must feel deserving of going after that success, of giving oneself permission to pursue what one desires.
Next time, I’ll tell you the other part. The not-so-pretty part. The part where horror stories occur when one doesn’t value oneself.
Love,
Noemi
