We’ve all heard it before: love conquers all.
Love, we’re told, is the ultimate force, the magic ingredient that makes relationships thrive.
If you love someone, everything else will fall into place. Right?
Right?
Riiiiiiight?
Well, ha ha ha ha.
Not quite.
But it’s Valentine’s Day, why are you ruining this?
I have a mission, I must say. Today, I’m Debunking the Romantic Myth, (among other things like putting the laundry away and doing the groceries, of course…)
Today, I’m going to talk about why love on its own is not enough to guarantee a healthy, lasting relationship. Let’s start from the beginning:
The Fairytale vs. Reality
Romantic myths have taught us to believe in love as an unstoppable force, a feeling so powerful that it can overcome any obstacle.
The problem?
That’s not how real relationships work. Love is essential, yes, but it’s just one piece of a much larger puzzle.
Psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón, in his book Encounters: The B-Side of Love (Encuentros: El Lado B del Amor), makes it clear that relationships are complex structures built on multiple pillars: communication, compatibility, and desire, none of which (surprise, surprise!) can be sustained by love alone.
Other authors, like psychologist John Sternberg, brilliantly introduced the triangular theory of love, where love is formed through three key pillars that make up the triangle: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Think of it this way: a car needs fuel, but it also requires a functioning engine, good tyres, and a skilled driver. If love is the fuel, then communication, compatibility, and desire are the engine, wheels, and driver that keep the relationship moving forward.
In other words, for a relationship to work, love alone is not enough.
Love and Communication
One of the most crucial aspects of a stable relationship is communication. Love might make you want to understand your partner, but it doesn’t automatically grant you the skills to do so.
Gabriel Rolón highlights in his book that many couples struggle not because they lack love, but because they fail to communicate their needs, fears, and expectations effectively.
I can’t even count the number of problems I’ve heard in my private practice that stem from communication issues. Couples who love each other dearly but struggle to connect, as if they were speaking different languages.
Let’s look at an example:
Take the case of John and Mary, a couple deeply in love but constantly at odds. John felt neglected because Mary rarely expressed affection verbally. Mary, on the other hand, was exhausted by John’s constant need for reassurance.
During therapy, they realised that their ways of expressing love were completely different: John needed words, while Mary showed love through actions.
Their love was strong, but their inability to communicate it in a way the other understood was tearing them apart.
This is where many relationships fail: people assume that love should be enough to make their partner understand them.
But love doesn’t grant mind-reading abilities (not yet anyway, maybe with AI…).
Real connection comes from learning how to express emotions, how to listen, and how to navigate conflicts without letting resentment build up.
The Compatibility Factor
Many people believe that if they love each other enough, enough, enough, enough, they can overcome any differences.
But compatibility isn’t something that can be ignored.
Love might make you tolerate your partner’s quirks for a while, but long-term happiness depends on how well your values, goals, and lifestyles align.
And please, let me clarify, when I talk about compatibility, I’m not referring to one person having different hobbies from the other. One liking concerts while the other despises them, or one being super into sports while the other is more of a lazy bum.
Compatibility is almost always about the important things in life, not hobbies, likes, or dislikes.
I’m talking about life values and the type of lifestyle you desire.
Meaning: do I want kids, or do I not want kids? Do I adhere to a certain religion or belief? Do I want to live as a nomad, constantly travelling the world, or do I prefer to settle down, create a home, and establish roots? Am I work- and business-driven, à la Alex Hormozi, or do I prioritise other aspects of life outside of work, such as family, leisure, and community service?
These are important questions you should be asking yourself, and only yourself.
Now.
A powerful example in Rolón’s book is the story of Laura and Diego. Laura, a free-spirited artist, thrived on spontaneity and travel. Diego, a structured businessman, sought stability and routine.
At first, their differences felt exciting. You know that kind of way.
Laura admired Diego’s discipline, while Diego found Laura’s carefree nature refreshing. But over time, what once attracted them began to drive them apart. Laura felt suffocated by Diego’s rigidity, and Diego became frustrated by Laura’s unpredictability.
Despite their love, their fundamental incompatibility made it impossible for them to build a life together without constant conflict.
You see… love doesn’t erase incompatibility. It might make us endure it for a while, but eventually, frustration creeps in.
A couple that is fundamentally misaligned will either drift apart or live in a state of constant friction.
Love might soften the impact of differences, but it can’t erase them.
The Role of Desire
Another harsh truth is that love and desire do not always go hand in hand.
Excuse meeeeeeeeeeee???
What??!!
Okay, relax… my goodness.
Let me explain: in long-term relationships, passion often diminishes.
Many couples panic when this happens, interpreting it as a sign that their love is fading. But love and desire operate on different planes.
Consider another example, the case of Natalia and Andrés. Natalia loved Andrés deeply but noticed that over the years, their relationship had become predictable. They still shared laughter and companionship, but the spark that once existed had faded.
Through therapy, they realised that their routine had slowly extinguished the excitement that once defined their intimacy.
By introducing novelty, such as planned surprises, new shared experiences, and open discussions about their desires, they managed to rekindle their passion.
It can be saved! yeahhh!
But as you can see in the previous example, it requires intention and determination. You have to put in the work to see some sparkles.
I mean, love provides security, but desire craves unpredictability. If a couple doesn’t actively work to keep passion alive , by fostering individuality, maintaining mystery, and nurturing sexual attraction, their love might remain, but their desire could fade.
Notice that I said ‘work’, meaning: it won’t occur by divine intervention, a miracle of nature, or by itself. You, YOU, will have to produce it, aka ‘work’.
Love with Conditions: The Myth of Unconditional Love
This is one of my favourite myths, I love it. And you can blame it on whatever you like: movies, social media, books, gossip, stories we pass on to future generations, whatever.
This romantic myth is the idea of unconditional love. Many believe that true love should have no boundaries, that it should withstand anything.
Anything!
But, but.
Oh.
Didn’t you know…?
Well.
Healthy love has conditions, and what I mean by this is: it has limits, standards, and boundaries.
Unconditional love, when taken to extremes, can lead to toxic situations.
It’s good that nowadays we are becoming more and more aware of this.
Let me use another case from the book that might serve as an example:
Think about Luciana, a young woman whose boyfriend, Martin, repeatedly humiliated and manipulated her. She convinced herself that enduring his mistreatment was proof of true love.
In therapy, she slowly realised that staying in a harmful relationship wasn’t love, it was self-neglect.
Healthy relationships operate on mutual respect, where both partners feel valued and secure.
Love should be strong, but never at the expense of dignity.
Healthy love must have limits.
Love is a Foundation, Not a Guarantee
So, if love isn’t enough, what is? To summarise, a good relationship requires:
- Communication: The ability to express feelings, listen actively, and resolve conflicts constructively.
- Compatibility: Shared values, aligned life goals, and mutual respect for differences.
- Desire: An ongoing effort to maintain attraction, excitement, and passion.
- Boundaries: Understanding that love should never justify mistreatment or unhappiness.
I’m glad that on a special day like today, we’ve challenged the fairytale notion that love alone will sustain a relationship.
Love is beautiful, powerful, and necessary, but it is not the only ingredient. Without communication, compatibility, and desire, even the strongest love can fade.
Relationships take work, and those who understand this reality are the ones who stand the best chance of lasting happiness. Fingers crossed.
Maybe that’s why almost all romantic movies end after the couple declares their love, but we never get to see what happens in the years that follow.
So, next time someone tells you that love conquers all, remind them that love is only the beginning. What comes next is what truly determines whether a relationship will thrive or merely survive.
Love,
Noemi
P.S.: If Gabriel Rolón’s book has caught your attention, you can find it here: Encuentros (El Lado B del Amor) (only in Spanish for now).
