how to live after losing someone you love

A few days ago, I received a great shock.

Someone I knew had died.

Just like that, suddenly, you know?

It left me stunned. Like all deaths that arrive untimely.

Now, in these comfortable times many of us live in – and if you’re reading this newsletter, I’m talking about you too – we consider any death that happens before old age as untimely.

An extended family member died. My aunt. We weren’t close, but still. She left behind her husband, my uncle, and my two cousins. Just after turning 62.

When any death happens before the age of 80, we throw our hands up in disbelief, scared, surprised. “This can’t be!” we exclaim.

“This is not how it should be!” we tell God: “This isn’t fair!” (I say God, but insert here whatever belief suits you best – whether it’s the god of any religion, mother earth, or the universe, etc.)

Grief is a very complex concept, and it doesn’t just refer to the loss of someone we love. Freud described it like this:

“Grief is, in general, a reaction to the loss of a loved person or an abstraction taking its place, such as one’s homeland, freedom, an ideal, etc.”

To begin with, Freud emphasises that we are dealing with a reaction. A reaction to a loss. And it’s not just any type of loss, but that of something deeply loved. This loss could be a person, something material, or something more abstract, as long as it has been loved.

In this way, one can grieve the loss of a loved one, or something loved in another form, like a home, the place where we were born, but we can also grieve more abstract concepts such as freedom, youth, a vocation, a failed marriage, or a deeply-rooted desire.

Any of these experiences can trigger a grieving process, as long as they’ve been valued and loved. Or even hated – but that’s a conversation for another day.

As I mentioned in the previous newsletter, lately, I’ve been reading Gabriel Rolón, a great psychoanalyst from whom I am constantly learning. I was reading his latest book, Happiness, but after this recent event, I revisited his earlier book, Grief, to accompany me through this process.

As Rolón says in his book, when faced with grief:

“Something has happened. Something that shouldn’t have happened, and for which there is no explanation or comfort. Reality has invaded our lives, forcing us to accept a fact that initially seems unacceptable.”

In this specific form of grief, which I’m discussing today – the death of a loved one – the fact that it was untimely brings not only the loss of someone we loved but also the anguish of realising that we too will die.

When someone elderly passes away, having lived the majority of their life, it hurts, yes, but it doesn’t feel shocking or devastating. It’s expected.

But in the face of the unexpected, deeper questions about our own existence are triggered.

It could happen to any of us. Yes, it could happen to any of us. And we have to live with that anguish – the anguish of being alive and knowing that, at some point, our time will come. That’s how it is.

And truly, continuing to treat death as a taboo, as we do today, doesn’t do anyone any favours. Accepting this reality and stopping the denial would help us move through life with less fear and anguish. That’s the point of this newsletter – to stop denying the undeniable.

When we lose something we love, Rolón says, “reality presents itself with all its cruelty and hurts us.”

And he continues:

“After a loss, we wish reality were different, that the loved one hadn’t died. But, against our wishes, absence appears and forces us to relinquish those desires and adapt to reality. It’s a moment when balance is lost, and reason wavers. Losing what we love pushes us to live in an unfamiliar space.”

Later in the book, I was both moved and shaken by some verses Rolón shared. They’re from a tango written by the legendary lyricist Alfredo Le Pera, who wrote the lyrics to many tangos sung by Carlos Gardel. It goes like this:

“Sus ojos se cerraron y el mundo sigue andando

(Her eyes closed, and the world keeps turning)

Su boca que era mía ya no me besa más

(Her mouth, which was mine, kisses me no more)

Se apagaron los ecos de su reír sonoro

(The echoes of her joyous laugh have faded)

Y es cruel este silencio que me hace tanto mal.

(And this cruel silence hurts me so much.)”

These verses perfectly capture the impact on someone struck by grief. How is it possible that the world continues to turn without that mouth which was once mine, without that laughter that lit up my lives? A life that now wanders through a cruel silence.

One aspect of this process that left me with a bittersweet feeling was witnessing, during the various ceremonies I attended – the wake, the funeral home, the burial – how poorly people know how to handle grief.

And when I say people, I include myself, don’t worry! I’m no expert, and I struggle too.

I noticed how badly people interacted with those grieving the most – my uncle, my cousins.

Sometimes I was horrified by the reactions and comments I heard. Mostly due to pure ignorance. But especially because we, as humans, struggle to witness someone suffering in front of us. We just want them to stop. And this isn’t because we don’t want them to suffer – we do – but mostly because we find it hard to bear seeing another person in pain. We want it to stop, for them to stop crying, so we aren’t uncomfortable, so we aren’t affected by their suffering.

This is a human reaction, it’s natural. But it can be changed, it can be better.

That’s why I decided to include a brief guide on how to support those who are grieving, so we know how best to approach the situation without being awkward or inappropriate.

Supporting the bereaved

Supporting a grieving friend, relative, or colleague can often feel daunting. The fear of saying the wrong thing may lead us to say nothing at all (I was guilty of this too!). But this can unintentionally isolate the bereaved and make them feel even more alone.

If you’ve never lost someone close, it can be hard to empathise with how the bereaved person feels. You may even have unrealistic expectations of when they should “move on” or return to everyday life.

However, offering support, even in a simple way, can make a significant difference. Some suggestions may help, while others might not resonate with the person. If you’re unsure, simply ask how you can support them.

The knowledge that you care enough to ask can be deeply comforting.

Support in the early days

In the first few days following a loss, here’s how you can help:

Reach out to the bereaved as soon as possible. This could be through a visit, a phone call, a message, a sympathy card, or sending flowers. Whatever feels appropriate, depending on your relationship with the person.
Attend the funeral or memorial service if you’re able. It shows them they’re not alone. I know this can be uncomfortable or even triggering, but do what you can.
Offer your support and ask how they would like to be helped. Simply asking is not ignorant – assuming is.
Be a good listener. If they want to talk, just listen. (This means being silent while doing it, just to be clear!)

Grief is not something you can “fix”

It’s natural to want to make things better for someone in pain, but after the loss of a loved one, there’s no quick fix. No words can erase their grief. Even if it makes you uncomfortable to see them suffering, this is part of the process. This too shall pass, just not in the next two hours.

Listen with empathy

The most valuable support you can offer is your full attention. Allow the bereaved to express their grief in their own way, whether that’s through crying, anger, laughter, or silence.

When listening:

Be attentive and compassionate.
Understand that everyone’s grief is different, so don’t impose your views or question their reactions.
If they don’t feel like talking, respect their silence. Sometimes just being there is enough.
A simple gesture like holding their hand or offering a hug can be comforting, but make sure they’re comfortable with it.

Practical ways to help

This goes beyond just being there or listening. Offering practical help shows the grieving person they’re not alone. Remember to always ask if they need help with anything. They’ll often say no, so offer specific help, like “Can I look after the kids this afternoon?” Other examples include:

Helping with household tasks like cleaning or laundry.
Bringing over pre-cooked meals that just need reheating.
Answering the phone for them.
Assisting with everyday errands or picking up their children from school.

What to avoid

This is the important part! Ignorance can cause so much hurt and pain. Here are some things to avoid when supporting someone in grief:

Don’t make the conversation about your own experiences of loss (just stop, it’s not about you!).
Avoid comparing their grief to yours or anyone else’s.
Don’t offer unsolicited advice on how they should cope.
Never tell them how they should or shouldn’t feel. Let them grieve in their own way, whether that’s through tears, silence, or sharing family stories.

I remember hearing a relative say to my uncle, “just cheer up. cheer up!”. Oh my goodness, it made me want to kick something.

Just because someone’s suffering makes you uncomfortable, don’t force them to stop. Okay?

Can you believe it? Anyway.

Comments to avoid

While you might want to ease their pain, some well-meaning comments can actually be hurtful. Avoid saying things like:

“You’ll marry again one day.”
“At least you have your other children.”
“She was lucky to live to such an old age.”
“It was God’s will.”
“You can always try for another baby.”
“He’s happy in heaven.”
“Be thankful they’re no longer in pain.”
“Remember the good times.”
“You’ll feel better soon.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“Count your blessings. You still have so much to be grateful for.”
“You’ve got to pull yourself together and be strong.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”

It’s like… just stop.

Understanding the long process of grief and seeking help

Grief is not an event; it’s a journey that takes time. The time that the person needs. During a healthy grief process, it usually lasts a year. Beyond that, it’s often considered unresolved grief that might need professional help.

The pain of losing a loved one will last forever, but the suffering won’t. The suffering is what happens during the grieving stage.

While most people cope with grief with the help of family, friends, and their own inner strength, certain circumstances can make it harder. If the death was particularly traumatic or unexpected, or if the bereaved person seems to struggle with daily life for an extended period (over a year), it may be time to suggest they seek professional support.

After the funeral

It’s common for people to offer a lot of support during the funeral period – with calls, visits, etc. But it’s important to remember that once these ceremonies are over and life returns to “normal”, the bereaved person still needs support. So:

Keep in touch after the funeral. A simple phone call can show that you care.
Never suggest it’s time for them to “move on”.
Don’t avoid talking about the person who passed. Use their name in conversations, keep it natural.
Be sensitive to difficult days like anniversaries or birthdays, and offer support when these dates arise.

That’s all for now.

I know this topic of death can be daunting for some people. Well, we needed to talk about it. Just because it’s taboo doesn’t mean it will stop happening.

This is a normal part of life.

I hope this newsletter has been helpful, or at least given you some useful information for when you might need it.

Love,
Noemi

P.S.: If Gabriel Rolón’s book has caught your attention, you can find it here. Please note that all his references in this text have been adapted to the topic at hand.