There’s something you must know before I answer your question.
And like they say:
Once you know, you can’t unknow.
Unless…
Unless you want to keep making the wrong choices, over and over again.
That’s an option.
Not one I would choose for myself. But who am I to judge?
It is quite common to stumble upon a person that ends up hurting us. That can easily happen.
Now, if this is a pattern, it is not random. It’s not that you’re unlucky and always fall for the wrong guy or end up with friends that hurt you.
This is not about luck. It is about your ability to choose what is best for you.
Somewhere in our unconscious, there’s a mandate, an order, that makes us attracted to certain people, certain ways beings, certain lifestyles…
Even if they’re bad for us.
But, there’s something you must know.
The complete modification of the unconscious isn’t a reachable goal through any kind of treatment. Psychoanalytic or otherwise.
There will always remain inside of you a vulnerability. Something that was created a long time ago, in personality areas affected by pathogenic conditions.
Hold on.
This must not make you feel powerless.
What you can do about it is to selectively choose relationships and life conditions, seeking those that are more favourable and avoiding the unfavourable ones (the ones that trigger your vulnerable areas).
It’s not that simple.
I know.
I understand.
But, remember, what truly matters isn’t how the external reality is, but how you experience it.
Okay, this is not enough explanation. Bear with me for a bit longer.
You must take this into account too:
As the way you live your relationships, since the unconscious cannot be reset to start anew, the best balance you can achieve will depend on avoiding what triggers the worst of your unconscious, seeking out the facilitating and nurturing environment.
Warning, warning: this is not about adaptation.
It’s not about adapting ourselves to a person or external environment, but rather selecting individuals or external environments that best fit to maximise our growth potential.
The opposite would be forcing ourselves into an impossible task.
In other words, saying that “it’s you who must change to tolerate X person or toxic environment” only leads to blaming and feeling like a failure when it’s not achieved.
By doing this, we neglect analysing the negative character of the Other (whether a person or an environment), in favour of focusing efforts on modifying ourselves.
‘I must change so I can: fit in, adapt, be likeable, etc’.
Here is when you must be able to ask yourself: given my characteristics, my tendencies, my personality traits, my wounds…
What people, situations, or objects should I flee from, and which ones should I approach?
Let’s use an example. Better, a metaphor:
If someone has sensitive skin, diabetes, or pulmonary insufficiency, certain partners or relationships would be like the equivalent of tropical sun, carbohydrates, or working in a coal mine.
This is the self-knowledge that a patient must possess upon completing a treatment. And if you want to start yours, go here.
It’s something much more specific than your ability to detect the negative traits of your significant others.
It’s the recognition of your own psychic structure, desires, anxieties, best aspects, and also vulnerability.
With this knowledge, it’s possible to answer this question:
Which people, situations, or surrounding environments enhance the best in me, which ones activate my most vulnerable aspects, which ones deactivate me?
If you are still unsure how to answer this question properly, honestly and fully, you might consider starting your own self-discovery process.
Love,
Noemi
