One of the phrases you’ll often hear me repeat is this one from Jean-Paul Sartre:
“We are what we make of what they made of us.“
Judge the message, not the messenger.
This is the cornerstone of any concept of who we are. There’s no free will; we’re already made. Our choices aren’t truly ours. We think they are, but they were given to us.
Everything was given to us. The good, the bad, and the mundane.
Until… well, until you start looking within and dare to question.
It takes real courage.
Because the house of cards that is “what makes up your life”… as soon as you start asking questions, it crumbles. And that’s where psychoanalysis comes in. Just for the brave.
But before I tell you more about this, I’d like to mention something I found quite amusing.
The last newsletter was the least read by those subscribed in the newsletter. By far! Guess why?
The article was titled, “On dealing with the unexpected death of a loved one and how to support the bereaved.”
And honestly, it didn’t surprise me at all.
It’s the same old story: we’re terrified of knowing, talking, reading, or even thinking about death. As if it could stick to us, like it’s contagious. As if it might make us think, even for a second, that death, as a natural phenomenon, is a part of our life.
Ludicrous.
Yes, your life, and the lives of everyone around you.
Being something natural, we should talk more about it, so we could stop fearing it so much. This fear is cultural, so depending on the culture you come from, you’ll either have more resistance to facing the topic or, on the contrary, it might be normal for you or even seen as a celebration.
I understand if you didn’t want to read it. Though I encourage you, when you’re ready, to give it a go. You can read it again here.
As I was saying before, let’s remember Sartre and his famous quote, and see what it really means when he said, “We are what we make of what they made of us.”
If we take it a step further, we could say, “We are what we make of what our identifications made of us.”
Identifications, which are all the things you identify with and which form part of you, cover all areas of life: from the football team you support; your sexual orientation; your dreams and aspirations; how many kids you want to have, one, zero, or six; where you want to live; whether you like the sea or love the mountains; what things you tolerate and what you can’t stand…
The list could be as long as the number of people on this planet.
In short, it’s about all those identifications that come to form what you feel as “you.” The self. What makes you say, “I am.”
I am left-wing; I am a religious person; I am someone who loves sports; I am an animal rights supporter; I am bisexual; I am vegan; I am an introvert, I am… [fill in the blank].
Although, if we dig deeper, a big truth can come out: when we say “I am X,” we might be referring to something that has nothing to do with what we truly are. Since we’ve built ourselves as people based on a series of identifications with what others wanted for us. Maybe not.
Following the examples I gave before: my dad wanted me to support this football team; all my family belong to this religion; it’s become trendy to follow a certain diet or sport; all my friends go to the same holiday spot…
A series of identifications with what others wished for us.
A lifestyle, a career, preferences, life goals… You name it. It could be anything.
But.
How could you know for sure?
Have you ever asked yourself these questions?
- This thing I feel is part of me, this hobby, this dream, this preference—is it really mine, or do I like it because others influenced me to like it?
- What I feel about this thing—is it truly my feeling, or is it influenced by what others said they felt?
The answer might not come immediately.
But the real and genuine answer will come if one dares to ask the question first.
As the psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón says: “Psychoanalysis tries to break through the barriers of those identifications to find the desire that runs through and determines the patient.”
Food for thought.
As always, through these articles, my aim is for you to be, for us to be, more and more authentic to what we really are.
And for that, one has to dare to look within. If not, you’ll keep living the life of others, and not your own.
A shame, isn’t it?
Love,
Noemi
