Feeling stuck in a life that doesn’t feel right? Like you should be doing something, but you’re not sure what, or how, or where to even start? You just know that you’re dissatisfied with your life.
Well, if you’re tired of the fog and ready for some clarity, this might just be what you need. It’s not magic or mindset fluff.
Last week, we talked about what happens when you let life happen to you instead of choosing a direction. Spoiler: you drift, you shrink, you lose yourself. Today, we shift gears.
In the previous newsletter, I spoke about what happens when you avoid choosing a direction in your life, and the consequences that follow. Like the drifting, the passivity, and, most importantly, the slow erosion of agency (aka lack of balls).
Today we go one step further. Because it’s not enough to know you’re lost, now you need a way to move. What I’m going to talk to you about today is called: Start With What You Know.
Let’s get into it.
Start With What You Know
Alright. So, let’s say you’ve realised there’s something in your life that needs to change. Now comes the next hurdle, actually choosing something to aim for.
And here’s where most people freeze, because they think they need to get it exactly right from the start. Of course, you’re not going to get your aim perfectly right from the beginning. It’s not about picking the perfect goal and clinging to it.
Discern.
Start with what you know. It means starting where you are, with what you already see, feel or sense matters. Not waiting for perfect clarity, just enough information to take a step.
It’s about picking something sincere and good enough, and then using it as a reference point.
Now, as you move towards it, you’ll discover you were wrong about some things. You might discover things you weren’t expecting, things you don’t like or do like, certain disappointments…
In which case, let me tell you, it’s fine. Just adjust, learn, and calibrate.
This isn’t a straight line, more like a zigzag forward. But if you stay oriented towards something that genuinely matters to you, you are no longer lost, even when you fail.
Because you started walking towards it.
I remember a patient of mine, a long time ago when I was just starting out. He was around 18 years old, the typical case of someone doing absolutely nothing, not studying, not working. Of course, parents carry a lot of responsibility in these cases, but that’s a topic for another newsletter.
The point is, this boy was trapped in that ‘not knowing’.
And do you know how I managed to guide him through it? There’s a line by Antonio Machado, Spanish poet, that goes:
“Traveller, there is no path. The path is made by walking.”
And what do I mean by that?
That if you don’t know where to go and you feel completely stuck, just start walking, even if you’re not clear about the direction. Because that clarity (about what you want or don’t want) only comes from experience and facing new situations.
In other words, if you stay still, doing nothing, playing Fortnite at your parents’ house (or whatever your own version of a comfortable, stagnant situation is), you will not find that clarity.
Move forward, and the path will begin to clear as you walk it. Promise.
The Narrow Line of Success
And once you’re moving, there’s something else that needs defining too: what are you even calling ‘success’?
Now, once you’ve picked something and started moving, there’s another trap waiting, and it has to do with how we think about success. Most people assume it’ll just happen at some point if they keep doing “things”.
And on this point, there’s something very interesting the psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson says about success. He calls it a “very narrow line”.
Meaning: the probability that you will stumble upon it accidentally? Almost zero.
You hear me? Zero. I’d say less than zero… but alright, I won’t be that pepsimistic.
What does it mean? It means you have to define it. You have to set the criteria for what success means to you (not to your mum, not your toxic girlfriend, not your gym buddies, not your coworkers), or the odds that you’ll live a fulfilling life are terrifyingly small.
And yet, strangely enough, this is liberating.
Because once you define what you are aiming at, you stop living in vague dissatisfaction.
Define it, put it into words. Make it explicit. Don’t leave it in vague terms or in a “just go with the flow” kind of way. None of that “just go with the flow” nonsense.
Identify exactly what you want. That way… You know what you’re building. You know what to say no to. You know what kind of day, week, or year supports your deeper goal. And in times of struggle, which will inevitably come, you have something solid to hold onto.
Your turn
Alright, enough theory.
You’ve thought about it. You’ve circled the question. Now it’s time to actually do the uncomfortable part, the one that most people avoid for years.
This is where things start to shift, the first step out of the abyss: sit down with yourself and get brutally honest.
About your life, your wants, your needs, all of it.
If you need a friend to help you confront yourself with the ‘being really honest with yourself’ part, do so. Or else, a good therapist (mind you, a good therapist will always confront you, therapy is not like having a picnic in the park).
And then, ask this question: If you could live a life that made sense to you, one that you could stand behind even in the face of suffering, what would that look like?
Remember: not a fantasy, a path. Something worth building, something worth the cost.
And once you see it, even just the faint outline of it, you start moving.
But move.
How many times do I have to repeat it? Introspection can easily turn into mental masturbation if you don’t do anything. Take action. Slowly. Clumsily. But forward.
You can drift or you can aim. One of those leads somewhere. The other doesn’t. Your choice.
If you’re serious about moving forward, don’t just think, plan. Strategise. Prepare, not forever, just a bit, and take action. I’d recommend a planner to keep yourself accountable. Only if you’re ready to stop floating and start building. It helps you get clear, stay focused, and actually track your progress (no more vague promises to yourself).
You could use this. Strategise a bit, and take action. A small baby step forward.
Because in the end, it’s not about figuring it all out at once. It’s about having the guts to begin, with whatever piece of truth you already hold.
Love,
Noemi
P.S. You’ll find the planner here. For motivation, just look at where you’re at now.
