What I’m about to share with you about forgiveness might just make you rethink that whole “just let it go” mantra we hear so often.
You’ll see that, sometimes, setting boundaries can bring you more peace than forgiving ever could. You’ll question one of the most praised virtues in our culture: Forgiveness.
We hear it all the time: “Let it go, and you’ll find peace.” . Bleh, bleh, bleh.
But as psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón suggests, forgiveness isn’t the cure-all it’s often made out to be. When it comes to the most painful betrayals (the ones that shake our very core or completely destroy our lives) is it really possible, or even healthy, to forgive everything?
Today, I’m diving into another topic from La felicidad (Happiness) by psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón. In this book, he argues that forgiveness has its limits, and recognising these limits can be essential for our well-being.
This isn’t about forgiving petty arguments or minor human errors. We’re talking about those experiences that deeply wound us, the ones that leave lasting scars on our emotional health.
So when it comes to issues like betrayal, manipulation, or abuse, does forgiveness help, or does it risk making things worse?
“Forgiveness isn’t always the path to peace; sometimes, it’s recognising the pain and setting boundaries that truly frees us.”
The myth of unconditional forgiveness
Unconditional forgiveness sounds noble, doesn’t it? Letting go, no matter what.
Popular culture, self-help books, and spirituality often tell us forgiveness is the ultimate release. But Rolón questions this belief, pointing out that forgiveness isn’t always healing, and isn’t always required.
When a wound runs deep, the expectation to forgive can make us feel like our pain doesn’t matter, that it’s something we’re supposed to dismiss.
Forgiveness isn’t about pretending the hurt didn’t happen or minimising the damage. True forgiveness means facing the pain, understanding the full impact, and realising that some things can’t and shouldn’t be forgiven.
Drawing this line may actually protect our emotional health. There are times when the healthiest decision is not to forgive, and recognising that can be the key to our own healing.
When forgiveness becomes harmful
Have you ever felt pressured to forgive, even when you knew deep down it wasn’t what you wanted?
Sometimes, forgiving can cause more harm, especially when it makes us ignore genuine trauma (I said genuine trauma, not instagram-trauma!).
Imagine being asked to forgive actions like betrayal, manipulation, or abuse — experiences that go far beyond typical disagreements.
These events can leave lasting scars, and the idea of “just forgiving” may feel like asking too much. Rolón examines how forgiveness can become a trap when it makes us overlook our own pain or allows the person who hurt us to avoid responsibility.
Refusing to forgive in these situations doesn’t mean you’re choosing bitterness or holding a grudge. It means you’re respecting the gravity of the hurt and honouring your right to feel it.
Saying “No, I won’t forgive that” is sometimes a necessary step toward self-respect (one of the keys!). It’s not about resentment; it’s about setting a boundary and recognising that your feelings are valid.
Forgiveness as self-respect
Real forgiveness isn’t just about the other person. It’s about how we see ourselves.
Forgiving too easily, without thought, can lead us to minimise our own worth and send a message to ourselves that our pain doesn’t matter.
Protecting our mental health sometimes means recognising that forgiveness isn’t always the right path.
In fact, sometimes, refusing to forgive is an act of self-love.
It shows that you respect yourself enough to refuse to accept harmful behaviours.
This doesn’t mean you cling to hate or anger; it just means you’re aware that certain actions don’t deserve forgiveness.
Rolón’s take on forgiveness is refreshing, a reasonable alternative to all that moral pressure! He suggests that not everything can or should be forgiven, and there’s a freedom in accepting that.
“Not all wounds are meant to heal through forgiveness. Some scars are best honoured by maintaining distance and respecting our own pain.”
Forgiveness and the path to happiness
It’s often said that forgiveness is essential to happiness, that only by forgiving others can we let go of anger and find peace. But Rolón argues that true happiness often comes from respecting our own boundaries and understanding our emotions rather than forgiving everything.
Forgiving others may help when it feels genuine (and in coherence with the situation, I may add), but happiness doesn’t require it. Real happiness can come from a deep sense of self-respect and knowing that we don’t need to forgive others to find peace.
Sometimes, peace is found in setting boundaries instead of forcing forgiveness.
When we feel pressured to forgive, we might feel conflicted, like we’re being asked to dismiss something important.
By recognising that forgiveness isn’t always the answer, we give ourselves space to accept what has happened without rushing into a forced resolution. In doing so, we’re investing in our well-being and learning that not forgiving everything doesn’t make us bitter, it allows us to honour our needs and prioritise our happiness.
Boundaries, again
Forgiveness and boundaries go hand in hand. Rolón believes that forgiving without setting boundaries can leave us vulnerable to further harm.
Forgiving unconditionally may sometimes allow people who’ve hurt us to repeat their actions. We’ve all been there, unfortunately!
By embracing boundaries, we’re actively choosing what behaviour we accept from others. Setting boundaries isn’t harsh; it’s an essential part of maintaining our mental health.
Establishing boundaries also helps us reconsider what forgiveness means to us personally.
It gives us the chance to ask ourselves: Is this truly forgivable?
If the answer is no, we have every right to withhold forgiveness.
Boundaries are a powerful tool in protecting our happiness. By refusing to compromise our own well-being, we’re reclaiming our healing process.
Instead of trying to meet society’s expectations of forgiveness, we’re empowering ourselves to define what healing and peace mean to us. And when I say society, I mean anyone who might pressure you to forgive — family, friends, anybody!
Have you ever been torn about forgiving something that, deep down, you feel doesn’t deserve it?
Instead of feeling forced to let go, think about whether setting a boundary might serve you better. How’s that for a compromise, huh?
Forgiveness can be powerful, but only, only!, when it aligns with your values and peace of mind.
Food for thought.
Especially now that we’re creeping closer to that dreadful (or delightful) time of year, packed with social pressure, family expectations, endless lists of what we should be or do, and so on. Yes, you guessed it: the holiday season.
Scarier than Halloween for some!
ha ha!
Love,
Noemi
