There’s a strange contradiction at the heart of love. We say we want closeness. We long for intimacy. We talk about connection like it’s the ultimate goal. But we always forget one simple, brutal fact:
To truly love someone is to hand them a weapon.
You give them your trust. You give them your life stories. You share your flaws, your fears, your wounds. You let them in. And in doing so, you offer them the very tools that could, if they chose, break you.
This is where real love begins, not in romance, not in declarations, not in passion, in intimacy.
You can identify an unhealthy relationship when your partner uses all of that against you in a moment of vulnerability. Which is why real, healthy love exists when that person decides not to do it when they have the chance to hurt you.
Now that you have the answer to this email’s title, you can close this and carry on with your day. But, if you really want to understand what I mean by this, and why it matters so much for you and for the wellbeing of your partner, if you have one or if you’re looking for one…
Keep reading.
Love Is Power, But Not the Kind You Think
And this is as real as the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow.
The inescapable fact that love is power is the reason why so many people deceive themselves to the point where they say they don’t want to commit to anyone, that they fear losing their freedom, that they don’t want a relationship, that they’re only looking for something casual.
But in reality, as their behaviour clearly shows, they long for a committed relationship just as much as anyone else. They’re simply terrified. Their behaviour is completely different from that of people who genuinely do not want to commit to a stable relationship and choose solitude, chosen solitude (which does exist, oc course!). But that’s not what I’m talking about here.
I’ve seen this sooo many times in therapy sessions… anyway!
Everyone has their own path, but it becomes longer and more painful the more we lie to ourselves. As hard as it may be, as frightening as it might feel, it will cost you less if you’re honest with yourself and with what you truly want from life.
Pay attention, read carefully, and you’ll understand exactly what I mean by ‘power’.
“To love someone is to hand them immense power over you,” says psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón.
And the real proof of love, he says, is in renouncing that power. Choosing not to use it, even when you could. Especially when you could.
Because what does someone who loves you really have access to?
They know where it hurts.
They know the stories you’re ashamed of.
They know the people you’ve lost.
They know the parts of you you’ve tried to hide from everyone else.
You gave them all of that. You shared all of that with them (unless you are in an avoidant relationship, which we can talk about in another newsletter).
And, this is what happens: in a moment of anger or conflict, they could use it. They could weaponise it, throw it against you.
But they don’t.
That, says Rolón, is the highest act of love.
I’m almost certain you’ve seen many couples argue, or argued at some point with your own partner. Well, in an unhealthy relationship, the first thing people do is throw past wounds in each other’s faces.
During a disagreement or moment of conflict, they bring up the very things that hurt most. Things like:
“You’re exactly like your father.” (alcoholic father)
“You’re going to do the same as your mother.” (who abandoned her husband and young children)
“I already know you can’t be trusted.” (after an unresolved and unforgiven betrayal)
These are just a few examples. But I’m sure that if I asked you, you would have dozens of your own, moments when you’ve seen couples behave exactly like this.
What We Really Give Away When We Love
We think love is about sharing. And it is, of course.
But we often imagine that what we share is only beautiful, like our joy, our time, our hobbies.
The truth is, what we share in a real relationship (not one you’d have with AI, with a real human) is far more dangerous. We share our weakness, our pain, our contradictions, our insecurities, our worst days and most horrible experiences.
The one who loves you sees you when you’re not charming. When you’ve failed. When you’re defensive. When your past rises up and takes over. And if they love you, in a healthy way, they hold you, they accept you, they support you.
They still choose not to throw your vulnerability back in your face.
Meaning: what you say in the middle of a fight reveals more about the love than what you say when things are calm.
The Dark Side of Intimacy
As I was saying before, imagine this situation for a moment:
In the middle of a heated argument, your partner says, “Well, what can you expect after what your mother did to you?”
That hurts. That sucks. And once said, it can’t be unsaid, right?
Why is this so bad? Because it uses the pain you once trusted them with, the secret you let them hold, as a weapon. It actually says, “I know exactly where to hit you. And I’m willing to go there.”
This is betrayal on a different level. Not of fidelity, but of emotional ethics. In other words, manipulation 2.0.
To love someone, psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón argues, is to hold a form of sacred restraint. It’s to say:
“I could hurt you, but I won’t. Not because I’m afraid. Not because I can’t. But because I love you. And I respect the power you gave me.”
To me, a love worth living.
I’ve learned many things from Gabriel Rolón over the years, but when it comes to romantic relationships, there’s one book I always come back to. It’s called El lado B del amor. Encuentros, and it explores these ideas in much more depth: emotional ethics, power, vulnerability. It’s only available in Spanish for now, but if you read the language, it’s worth every page.
In next week’s newsletter, out on Friday, we’ll talk about what happens when love turns into emotional leverage. How couples weaponise vulnerability, confuse control with care, and slowly turn trust into fear. You won’t want to miss it.
Love,
Noemi
P.S. If your idea of love is winning arguments with trauma ammunition, skip the book. If not, you’ll want this one on your shelf.
